Living With Anxiety | An Update
A year ago today I wrote about my experience with anxiety (You can read it here, if you don't remember). The response I got was honestly surprising. When I published it, it was for me, I see this blog as a type of journal and it was something I needed to get off my chest. But then friends and family started messaging me thanking me for opening their eyes to mental health, congratulating me on being brave enough to share and opening up to me about their own experiences with anxiety/depression. I was really touched to see that people I barely talked to had taken the time to read it and then reach out to me.
And so to update the people who cared about me then and the ones that care about me now I thought I would share about how I'm doing a year on. To be honest I wish I could say that my life continued on the happy note of the last post but I'm going to be honest... the last year has been really really tough and there are times where I think about killing myself just to end it all, I obviously haven't done that yet or even hurt myself at all and I pray that it will never happen.
Just a month after my Living With Anxiety blogpost I decided to go on medication. My panic attacks were frequent and terrifying, they made it too hard for me to go to school and I knew I couldn't keep going at that pace because that pace was more like standing still. So in November I went on Sertraline, my first of many medications. At first the dose wasn't high enough, so I upped it... big mistakes because from there the side effects would skyrocket to the point where I had diarrhea so often that I started bleeding out of my butt... I know thats disgusting... trust me I KNOW.
I obviously wasn't going to stay on that one, so my doctor and I decided on Abilify, which again didn't work. It was at this time that I decided to get a medical incomplete on one of my classes because I wasn't even able to make it to school let alone do all the essays and school work required so lightening my load seemed like a good plan. A few weeks later my doctor also put me on mirtazapine to help my get some sleep as my insomnia reared its ugly head.
Around March break I got into my first relationship which turned out to make my anxiety worse, my motivation non-existent and my depression fo way up. (Of course I didn't realize how unhealthy this relationship was until about a month or two after I broke up with him, but that's a whole other blog post) So in April I dropped the Abilify and took on the Buspar and birth control (because I was in a relationship and no way in hell am I getting pregnant, at least not yet) I know at this point it sounds like I'm some sort of prescription addict but the way I see it I could be on drugs or I could be dead because I would have killed myself. (Also you wouldn't tell someone with cancer not to take meds or painkillers would you... mental illnesses are like an invisible cancer that need just as much treatment).
When said boy and I broke up I dropped the birth control which kinda through my hormones out of whack because my pms hormones were suddenly that much stronger. I found myself without that much anxiety but with major depression that made me not leave my apartment except for grocery shopping and going to see my family for nearly two months. When June came around I forced myself to leave my bed and talk to my doctor yet again. Mirtazapine was cut, and Venlafaxine (also known as effexor) was added. The combination of Buspar and Venlafaxine seems to be working, though I still get depressed and occasionally suicidal I have to say the episodes are further apart and in the time between, I'm happy. I still lack motivation, which is a side effect of depression but I feel better.
I'm also not in school which has taken a huge load off and while I save up for university next year I'm also left with a lot more time to work on getting myself better because while medication can certainly help it won't fix everything.
This year has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and I think that's what I've found the hardest, I never know when I'm going to be okay or not, I never know which friends of family members I'm going to be able to reach out to and I never know if I can have faith that my situation will change. As much as this rollercoaster provides some adrenaline, I kinda wish it was more of a flat train track with only a few twist and curves to provide excitement.
What I have realized in the past year though is that there still exists a stigma around mental health and this really comes from a place of ignorance. Do you know how many people have told me "Oh, its just mind over matter." or "Just choose to be happy." or "You shouldn't be on medication, you don't need it." Like seriously? Although part of me is happy that people don't understand because it means they've never felt the black hole that is mental health, its infuriating and I sometimes wish everyone had to experience at least one panic attack or one day of depression, because then people would understand. Mental disorders aren't something you could just wish away otherwise I'm pretty sure the statistics wouldn't be as they are, and also you don't tell someone with kidney failure that the power of their thoughts can wish it away, that's ridiculous. Yes you can hope, you can pray and you can take radical self-helping steps but miracles don't happen every day and I sure as hell ain't holding my breath for my problems to disappear.
Now like I said I wish this post was happier, but the truth is what it is and I have happy moments and I have bad moments and this post happens to be more about the bad ones than the good ones. I would just like to thank those people out there that have offered me support and have tried their best to be there, especially my family who although are crazy are also super loving. I would also like to add that if you are one of those people who feel at a loss as to what anxiety/depression is or how to help, ask questions, google it, read people's experiences but please don't judge those of us who are hurting because it doesn't help.
Here's to a better year ahead of us, and hopefully in a year from now my update will have much happier news for you to hear.
And so to update the people who cared about me then and the ones that care about me now I thought I would share about how I'm doing a year on. To be honest I wish I could say that my life continued on the happy note of the last post but I'm going to be honest... the last year has been really really tough and there are times where I think about killing myself just to end it all, I obviously haven't done that yet or even hurt myself at all and I pray that it will never happen.
Just a month after my Living With Anxiety blogpost I decided to go on medication. My panic attacks were frequent and terrifying, they made it too hard for me to go to school and I knew I couldn't keep going at that pace because that pace was more like standing still. So in November I went on Sertraline, my first of many medications. At first the dose wasn't high enough, so I upped it... big mistakes because from there the side effects would skyrocket to the point where I had diarrhea so often that I started bleeding out of my butt... I know thats disgusting... trust me I KNOW.
I obviously wasn't going to stay on that one, so my doctor and I decided on Abilify, which again didn't work. It was at this time that I decided to get a medical incomplete on one of my classes because I wasn't even able to make it to school let alone do all the essays and school work required so lightening my load seemed like a good plan. A few weeks later my doctor also put me on mirtazapine to help my get some sleep as my insomnia reared its ugly head.
Around March break I got into my first relationship which turned out to make my anxiety worse, my motivation non-existent and my depression fo way up. (Of course I didn't realize how unhealthy this relationship was until about a month or two after I broke up with him, but that's a whole other blog post) So in April I dropped the Abilify and took on the Buspar and birth control (because I was in a relationship and no way in hell am I getting pregnant, at least not yet) I know at this point it sounds like I'm some sort of prescription addict but the way I see it I could be on drugs or I could be dead because I would have killed myself. (Also you wouldn't tell someone with cancer not to take meds or painkillers would you... mental illnesses are like an invisible cancer that need just as much treatment).
When said boy and I broke up I dropped the birth control which kinda through my hormones out of whack because my pms hormones were suddenly that much stronger. I found myself without that much anxiety but with major depression that made me not leave my apartment except for grocery shopping and going to see my family for nearly two months. When June came around I forced myself to leave my bed and talk to my doctor yet again. Mirtazapine was cut, and Venlafaxine (also known as effexor) was added. The combination of Buspar and Venlafaxine seems to be working, though I still get depressed and occasionally suicidal I have to say the episodes are further apart and in the time between, I'm happy. I still lack motivation, which is a side effect of depression but I feel better.
I'm also not in school which has taken a huge load off and while I save up for university next year I'm also left with a lot more time to work on getting myself better because while medication can certainly help it won't fix everything.
This year has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and I think that's what I've found the hardest, I never know when I'm going to be okay or not, I never know which friends of family members I'm going to be able to reach out to and I never know if I can have faith that my situation will change. As much as this rollercoaster provides some adrenaline, I kinda wish it was more of a flat train track with only a few twist and curves to provide excitement.
What I have realized in the past year though is that there still exists a stigma around mental health and this really comes from a place of ignorance. Do you know how many people have told me "Oh, its just mind over matter." or "Just choose to be happy." or "You shouldn't be on medication, you don't need it." Like seriously? Although part of me is happy that people don't understand because it means they've never felt the black hole that is mental health, its infuriating and I sometimes wish everyone had to experience at least one panic attack or one day of depression, because then people would understand. Mental disorders aren't something you could just wish away otherwise I'm pretty sure the statistics wouldn't be as they are, and also you don't tell someone with kidney failure that the power of their thoughts can wish it away, that's ridiculous. Yes you can hope, you can pray and you can take radical self-helping steps but miracles don't happen every day and I sure as hell ain't holding my breath for my problems to disappear.
Now like I said I wish this post was happier, but the truth is what it is and I have happy moments and I have bad moments and this post happens to be more about the bad ones than the good ones. I would just like to thank those people out there that have offered me support and have tried their best to be there, especially my family who although are crazy are also super loving. I would also like to add that if you are one of those people who feel at a loss as to what anxiety/depression is or how to help, ask questions, google it, read people's experiences but please don't judge those of us who are hurting because it doesn't help.
Here's to a better year ahead of us, and hopefully in a year from now my update will have much happier news for you to hear.
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