An Opportunity and fear

A door has been opened for me, an incredible opportunity to pursue and study in something I really love.  I heard that there was a technical theatre program at John Abbott College, which is only a few hours from where I live, and when I looked online I saw that the deadline to apply was the very same day. And so I followed a whim and applied, two weeks later I get an email telling me I was selected for an interview on April 2nd.

I was overwhelmed but also dismayed because in between the time applied and recieved the email I started to second guess it. I have a tendency to make quick decisions about big things and while I always feel it was the right thing to choose big life decisions require premeditation and forethought. I have severe generalized anxiety, I don't have money and I'm in a lease that ends next January. A up huge part of me is screaming at me that this isn't smart. My mum always says to "set yourself up to succeed" and I just don't see how rushing into this is following that. I could stay an extra year at my current college and do all my transferrable courses to have a light course load when I get there. I can finish my lease to be fair to my amazing roommate and I can work to be more financially stable.

 But on the otherhand technical theatre is what I'm passionate about, its what I want to be doing with my life and why put it off when I know it's what I'll end doing anyways. I saw the program and loved it, I did the interview and passed it and I have my parents offering financial assistance with my rent. I have a boyfriend who will more than likely be going there next fall as well and it would eliminate the probability of long distance.

I know a big part of it is fear holding me back. I'm scared of starting something and my anxiety stopping me from being able to finish it. I'm so tired of my anxiety stopping me from doing something I love and I'm so tired of failing out of something. Backstage work is what I love and I don't want my mental health to change my opinion of it. I've had my fear turn me away from so much and I don't want that to ever happen again, and I know that by not pursuing it I'm losing it anyway but it just feels like such a big jump.