Leaving England | Little Snippets of England #7
Before I get started I just want to say that I have in fact been having an amazing time and the blog post that follows is not influenced by the actual experiences I am living but rather an internal experience.
I'd like to share the news on here officially, I have decided to cut my year short and return to Canada. I have many many reasons for making this decision, I spent many nights not sleeping and wondering what to do and I asked friends and family for their thoughts.
I am leaving because school was making me unhappy, not just oh it sucks unhappy, but debilitating panic attacks that left me in tears. When you have panic attacks that last 6hrs and leave you breathless it's hard to say that you can just push past it and enjoy the other aspects of life. I of course have enjoyed so many moments of the trip and have made great friends and have great memories with them. Its just hard to have anxiety and not have the support network you are used to around.
I am leaving because school was making me unhappy, not just oh it sucks unhappy, but debilitating panic attacks that left me in tears. When you have panic attacks that last 6hrs and leave you breathless it's hard to say that you can just push past it and enjoy the other aspects of life. I of course have enjoyed so many moments of the trip and have made great friends and have great memories with them. Its just hard to have anxiety and not have the support network you are used to around.
At this point in time there are 10 days let before my flight takes off from Heathrow and part of me is questioning my decision to leave England. Being here has been so refreshing and has taught me so much about myself. It has made me see all these questions in my life and though I had hoped it would provide me with more direction I in fact feel more lost than ever in regards of what I should do with myself.
Coming to England has taught me to be more out going, to let go and to be in love with who I am. So why am I leaving? Good question, I'm not sure I know the answer myself but being here although it has been an indescribable 5 months it has felt like an intermission between the 1st act of my life and the 2nd act. Intermission is over and it has been a great respite but I think I've forgotten all my lines and cues for the 2nd act.
I used to know my place but not who I am and now it feels like the reverse. I understand myself better than ever I am not longer scared to live my life the way I want to live it, I am happy to be my crazy, kind and unique self but the problem is I no longer know how I want to live my life.
Going to uni always seemed like the logical thing to do, following my church, meeting my parent's expectations, contributing to society by getting a respectable job. Okay I am definitely looking to far ahead but I think all people who think outside the box do. I no longer know where I stand in terms of religion, I know there's a God or at least I believe there is, but according to the bible communion with God should be liberating not making me live in fear of everything I do or want to do.
I have no clue what I want to study at uni, I am interested in so many things but why should what I study have to go towards a career at this point I don't give a shit about what my life long career is going to be, I want to study something because it interests me, I want to be passionate about something and not be expected to get a job in the field.
So I am going back to a blank canvas and a blank mind. I am scared to start something and have it be a big mistake but the best way to get started is to just dive in and see where life takes you. When I get off the plane in a -20 degree environment I will be elated to be home and among friends and from there who knows?
I used to know my place but not who I am and now it feels like the reverse. I understand myself better than ever I am not longer scared to live my life the way I want to live it, I am happy to be my crazy, kind and unique self but the problem is I no longer know how I want to live my life.
Going to uni always seemed like the logical thing to do, following my church, meeting my parent's expectations, contributing to society by getting a respectable job. Okay I am definitely looking to far ahead but I think all people who think outside the box do. I no longer know where I stand in terms of religion, I know there's a God or at least I believe there is, but according to the bible communion with God should be liberating not making me live in fear of everything I do or want to do.
I have no clue what I want to study at uni, I am interested in so many things but why should what I study have to go towards a career at this point I don't give a shit about what my life long career is going to be, I want to study something because it interests me, I want to be passionate about something and not be expected to get a job in the field.
So I am going back to a blank canvas and a blank mind. I am scared to start something and have it be a big mistake but the best way to get started is to just dive in and see where life takes you. When I get off the plane in a -20 degree environment I will be elated to be home and among friends and from there who knows?
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