Living With Anxiety
According to my facebook newsfeed it is mental illness awareness week. And to me this is an extremely important topic because as so many in my family have been held back due to depression/anxiety/bipolar etc. as well as having an anxiety disorder myself.
Growing up everyone thought I was oversensitive, which yes I was but my anxiety didn't help. I used to have tantrums crying because I didn't want to go out and socialize or because something was irrationally scary. I would lock myself into closets and stay there crying until the fear had passed. As I grew up I came off as close-minded and anti-social, I have trouble going out and even sometimes sitting at the dinner table with my family causes me to much anxiety. I used to think that there was something wrong with me specifically because no one at school acted this way and even my sister who had anxiety managed it differently. I never thought the word anxiety could apply to me until grade 9.
In grade 9 my anxiety got so bad I couldn't go to gym class and often had trouble getting myself to school, I still sometimes do. I would lock myself in my bedroom closet and thinking about cutting myself, I knew that people who cut themselves did it to have a focus or a distraction both of which i needed. Admittedly not all was well in my family from grade 7-9 and are still sometimes shaky. But what I didn't realize was that those intense moments of fear and of having trouble breathing were panic attacks and not just someone dealing with family issues.. It wasn't until I watched a youtube video where someone described a panic attack that I understood that I had social anxiety.
I didn't tell anyone at first, I just googled some online tests and did them, consistently getting over a 90% chance of having a social anxiety disorder. I managed to arrange dropping gym and instead going to see the school counselor. Which helped alot since my social anxiety literally made gym seem like hell, I could hardly ever get through it without crying.
Grade 10 I had a great year nearly no panic attacks and I finally made a healthy group of friends. Of course the occasional panic attacks happened and they were terrifying but I managed. It was also then that I looked back on my life and realized how anxiety had affected my entire childhood.
The summer before grade 11 my aunt died and that crushed me. For nearly a year there wasn't a single day I didn't think of her and nearly have a panic attack or actually have one. I started seeing the school psychologist again and dropped a class which was entirely marked on a presentation. Presentations terrify me and almost always result in a panic attack and high anxiety for the next week or so. It was in grade 11 that I learnt more about what anxiety was, what a panic attack was and how to avoid situations that caused stress for me. Though it isn't always easy with the background I come from. I made it through the year and decided to challenge myself with my trip to England which was an amazing idea that taught me self-confidence and helped my anxiety so much. Though while I was there I had a huge number of panic attacks and I ultimately came home because of it. I don't regret my decision to go to England and I am so glad that it taught me more about anxiety in specifics to me and also about mental illness in general since so many of my friends there had anxiety or depression.
What I've learned is that anxiety masks all the good in your life so that when you have it, for days/weeks or even months you literally can not see the happiness in it, all the moments of laughter happen and then fade as if they never existed. You fear life so much that you feel angry and frustrated with yourself and those around you for not being able to change anything. You fear the moments when you can't breathe and your heart is pounding so fast and your temperature changing every few minutes, can't think because your migraine is so bad, or can't speak because you have heartburn. But I know that when anxiety leaves after the few days it paralyzes me I can go back to being happy and normal and productive.
Anxiety is part of me and though I can diminish it I don't think it'll ever fully go away and thats not me being negative its me being realistic. But I'm alright with it, I mean I fear panic attacks like normal people fear death but I can manage them now, and I can do things that used to cause me so much anxiety I would be left a mess for days after. I still have alot of limits and they still frustrate me but I am in professional counselling now, doing mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy. And I can honestly say that even though my anixety is still very very present in my life I am happy. I do have downs where I don't even know how I am supposed to make it through the day and I still have alot of fear of talking to friends about it but I am doing well.
Growing up everyone thought I was oversensitive, which yes I was but my anxiety didn't help. I used to have tantrums crying because I didn't want to go out and socialize or because something was irrationally scary. I would lock myself into closets and stay there crying until the fear had passed. As I grew up I came off as close-minded and anti-social, I have trouble going out and even sometimes sitting at the dinner table with my family causes me to much anxiety. I used to think that there was something wrong with me specifically because no one at school acted this way and even my sister who had anxiety managed it differently. I never thought the word anxiety could apply to me until grade 9.
In grade 9 my anxiety got so bad I couldn't go to gym class and often had trouble getting myself to school, I still sometimes do. I would lock myself in my bedroom closet and thinking about cutting myself, I knew that people who cut themselves did it to have a focus or a distraction both of which i needed. Admittedly not all was well in my family from grade 7-9 and are still sometimes shaky. But what I didn't realize was that those intense moments of fear and of having trouble breathing were panic attacks and not just someone dealing with family issues.. It wasn't until I watched a youtube video where someone described a panic attack that I understood that I had social anxiety.
I didn't tell anyone at first, I just googled some online tests and did them, consistently getting over a 90% chance of having a social anxiety disorder. I managed to arrange dropping gym and instead going to see the school counselor. Which helped alot since my social anxiety literally made gym seem like hell, I could hardly ever get through it without crying.
Grade 10 I had a great year nearly no panic attacks and I finally made a healthy group of friends. Of course the occasional panic attacks happened and they were terrifying but I managed. It was also then that I looked back on my life and realized how anxiety had affected my entire childhood.
The summer before grade 11 my aunt died and that crushed me. For nearly a year there wasn't a single day I didn't think of her and nearly have a panic attack or actually have one. I started seeing the school psychologist again and dropped a class which was entirely marked on a presentation. Presentations terrify me and almost always result in a panic attack and high anxiety for the next week or so. It was in grade 11 that I learnt more about what anxiety was, what a panic attack was and how to avoid situations that caused stress for me. Though it isn't always easy with the background I come from. I made it through the year and decided to challenge myself with my trip to England which was an amazing idea that taught me self-confidence and helped my anxiety so much. Though while I was there I had a huge number of panic attacks and I ultimately came home because of it. I don't regret my decision to go to England and I am so glad that it taught me more about anxiety in specifics to me and also about mental illness in general since so many of my friends there had anxiety or depression.
What I've learned is that anxiety masks all the good in your life so that when you have it, for days/weeks or even months you literally can not see the happiness in it, all the moments of laughter happen and then fade as if they never existed. You fear life so much that you feel angry and frustrated with yourself and those around you for not being able to change anything. You fear the moments when you can't breathe and your heart is pounding so fast and your temperature changing every few minutes, can't think because your migraine is so bad, or can't speak because you have heartburn. But I know that when anxiety leaves after the few days it paralyzes me I can go back to being happy and normal and productive.
Anxiety is part of me and though I can diminish it I don't think it'll ever fully go away and thats not me being negative its me being realistic. But I'm alright with it, I mean I fear panic attacks like normal people fear death but I can manage them now, and I can do things that used to cause me so much anxiety I would be left a mess for days after. I still have alot of limits and they still frustrate me but I am in professional counselling now, doing mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy. And I can honestly say that even though my anixety is still very very present in my life I am happy. I do have downs where I don't even know how I am supposed to make it through the day and I still have alot of fear of talking to friends about it but I am doing well.
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